Where did I come from?
While growing up, I was taking notes from everyone else’s book. I was following the herd and spending tireless hours on activities that either boiled down to pointless entertainment or tuning up my external actions and looks.
The image I ended up creating over time masked the person I truly was inside. I began to believe that the image was “me.” All the while, deep down, “I” was empty…
…empty of personality…
…and no humility, integrity, honesty, nor respect to base my decisions…
These internal values above require conscious experiences of failing, learning, and growing to become genuine in my character. Distracting from my mind and creating an image to mask my true self maintained the emptiness and insatiable feeling inside.
The result was an adolescent with low self-esteem. Add a constant stream of stimulation, a powerful electricity of feelings pulsing through my body, and smoking weed everyday starting at 13 years of age on top and let’s see what happens. How do you think puberty (the most important time to learn who we are as individuals) went for me?
I was tangled, mangled, and screaming at myself in my mind. Weed may have been a great distraction when I was in a comfortable bubble, but puberty began to trigger a paranoia and panic response instead.
These feelings were tearing me apart, so I finally decided (after going back and forth between cold turkey and not) that I liked sober Kevin much more because he could actually think straight during stressful and dark times.
Unfortunately, stress became overwhelming with relationships, music career aspirations, and college approaching. I hadn’t learned how to cope with these feelings because I used to just smoke or flee the scene to deal with my problems. Sober paranoia became a pathway in my brain and I started to feel claustrophobic in my own skin.
This commenced the first of many panic attacks (my music and the story behind it dives much deeper into this).
In 2009, I started working with my mentor Paul Hatherley. He opened my mind to the pursuit of truth that replaced my neurotic attempts to distract and control my mind. It was a beautiful start to the experience of my growth. In 2015, I ended up halting our talks to continue on my own. However, I do still find his insights propelling my thinking and development to this day.
My name is Control…nice to finally meet you
Since 2009, I have spent tremendous amounts of effort, energy, and time developing my mind and emotions. The transition has been a life-changing, eye-opening, and meaningful experience that required many failures and small successes to implement the new skills and motivations necessary to grow. I have kept detailed accounts of the steps that it took to practice these insights and they have all been categorized into different growth periods at the very top of this page (each tab is a category). I have great confidence that my posts will add value to your life, but please hear my disclaimer:
This transition is incredibly difficult. Growing is a very naked and open-minded process. As much as I have come to understand, I am absolutely still suffering to learn and stay consistent every single day. And, there is no stopping point.
The positive in the long-term is the fulfillment, self-worth, and the substance that fills your memory and each day your alive. The other positive in the “disclaimer” above is the humility. If you decide to develop your mind, I will always be in the trenches with you…never above pointing my finger.
I am here for you
I write because it helps me to reflect and observe reality more clearly. I write because it helps me to clarify the steps that I am taking to grow. I write these posts in my blog for me…first. Then, I share them to help inspire the fire inside of your soul because I know what it feels like to be empty every night. On this blog, I am here for you.
If you have the desire to read more, I have plenty of past blog posts hidden in the different categories at the top of my blog. If you want insights within smaller posts, then my artist page on facebook has them: My Blog’s Facebook Page
Contact me. I am willing to learn and write through your experiences on here too. I am also available to privately message with you about life.
Message me here: My Blog’s Facebook Page
Thank you Kevin
Your words are uplifting, your presence-healing, also have to say that the picture is wonderful.
Kevin, I’m not sure what brought me here. But thank you. Your words have touched my heart and I hope to read your blog everyday. Thank you.
Wow! I’m so happy you found it. I post a blog once a week. I have a post everyday on Facebook though. Here is the link to that page: Facebook.com/Kevincarlstead
Can’t wait to read something new everyday; I could relate to many things that were written here. Glad to have found this blog
Thank you! I’m so happy that you found it too 🙂