Walking on Eggshells

I’m walking on eggshells inside of my mind, to run and to hide from being alive.

–                                                            –                                                                        –

When I grasp tight to the activities of my day, a voice inside says come back to pain. This is where you are in your life and you must stay. I’ll drive you insane. Come back to play.

I try to push forth to what I did love. In my life, I had found a meaningful drug. The magic was to think, to reflect when alone…in order to find myself and my home. Now, I try to come back to that magic inside, but my thoughts keep saying she’s not by your side. She is gone for SO long, all you can do is cry.

When I hear those damn thoughts, I freeze in the night. Heavy, then fumbling to get out of my sight; lost in a movie, a talk, or a bike…running away from the thoughts I won’t fight. It builds and it builds, the irrational worries. Towers so high, but built in a hurry. So, it falls and I crumble back down to the jury. As I plead to my body, ‘I’M HERE IN YOUR FURY! PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU TO FIND WHAT’S SO BLURRY! I WON’T LET YOU DOWN, I’M SORRY I BURIED!’

My mind cannot see that when it’s just me, I have the ability to fulfill my own needs…to be happy, to grow, to eat and to sleep. Now, I’m slowly stepping on my resilient feet. All that is needed is forgetting control…the hiding and running to distract my own home…feeling farther and farther away from my soul, and the comfort I built slipping out of my mold.

Forget the control with a patient approach. Patience to sit with the heavy reproach. I need to take care of my mind in this state. It just doesn’t habit to reason the hate. My esteem is still low, so as I build it up, when pain comes along, I need to stick up. It will take a conscious mind, a ton of focus and sweat, to find what’s not ticking inside the silhouette.

So, sure…I’m lazy; it’ll take some time…to learn how to focus inside of my mind…longer than one, or two minutes at a time. This awareness and reasoning will suffer to shine.

–                                                            –                                                                        –

I’m crushing the eggshells inside of my mind, to destroy the fool, since I love being alive

————————————–

I will accompany this insight with lyrics and the demo from a song that could be on a new EP called Autobiography of Control. Thanks for reading everyone 🙂

Lyrics:

As the thought comes down, stings a heavy neurosis now

Waiting to vomit, shake, and sweat this out

Try to run, but it’s like poison somehow

Steady in my blood till my heart

Beats so tight, my mind is starving to connect this life

Focus cuts, my brain frozen in the night

Begging myself, that it’ll be alright

 

Anxiety creates a cage. Am I just made up? I got no love…

And I need this to go…

 

I found this cure, to siphon poison and to keep me sure

This dreaded darkness never has to mature

Just gotta sit right down and endure

Open wounds from insecurities I find, facing anticipations in my mind

Slowly sift through all the hurdles of my time

Replace them as I build my heart and my mind

  

Anxiety creates a cage. Am I just made up? I got no love…

I just need this to go away…away…

 

Take these thoughts from me

(I’ve replaced them before)

It’s my self-esteem

(I fell in love before)

About Kevin Carlstead

I graduated as a hospitality and psychology student at University of Denver. I spent most of my teenage and young adult years in the hospitality industry. I am still searching for what industry suits my personality and talents so that I can feel more meaning throughout my days. My current career pursuit has me enrolled in a graduate program to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I was born and raised in San Diego, CA. I love music with something to it. I love life with something to it. I have made it one of my purposes in this life to integrate both of these things that I love. This blog and my own songwriting has given me the platforms to do that very thing. Thank you for reading.
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