Canvas Stroll

My most crucial self.

Relaxed…
Natural flow…
Focused so intently on the moment until it is thought through…
Reasons for every move I make because it provides me with context, details and observations at every turn…
A clear, authentic breath of air through every choice in my direction…
 
This is not easy.
It would be vulnerably and innocently easy if I didn’t learn how to distract so quickly by neurotic pleasures and insecurities.
 
“People are judging so act like you are the main character in a movie!”
 
Once I begin to focus on the image of my actions, the life of my actions goes away. In this sense, my actions are not genuine and always forced…anxiously forced to perform a role that was never mine. 
Eventually my character washes away underneath the surface of my masks.
Underneath the mask…here it comes…it comes rushing and coursing through my consciousness when alone and mostly during the nightmare that dusk brings…I’m trying to distract…trapped in each found portal away from myself anxiously fleeing…fleeing…
 
my emptiness.
This emptiness, this blank space, this nightmare of loneliness.
This can be replaced.
 
This value, this canvas, this freedom of relaxed reason.
This unchained bliss can be found. 
This place where I can find the truth within to grow.
The place I find the truth among the narrowed whines of society’s perspectives freeing myself from the burden of bias in my eyes’ breath at the surface of the storm’s raging waters.
My motivations revealed. 
My insights met with meaning.
My love met with enduring value. 
Truth, beauty, wisdom at my doorstep.
 
Unfortunately, the shackles always seem to re-grip at every turn until I consciously remember the importance of my focus, my relaxation, my most crucial self. It’s a habit. A habit that needs to be willed into recession as my replacement finds its way to the top.
 
My most crucial self. 
A relaxed brain of energy that is open among the truth this world so happily shoves in front of each step and moment under my feet and in front of my eyes.
 
Closed or not, this life and our character continue to move, with or without us. 
Find your path among the constant motion.
Who’s your crucial self?
How do you get there on a daily basis?
  
Bear’s Den brings out a very important message in their song “When You Break” of the nightmare when empty and alone.

About Kevin Carlstead

I graduated as a hospitality and psychology student at University of Denver. I spent most of my teenage and young adult years in the hospitality industry. I am still searching for what industry suits my personality and talents so that I can feel more meaning throughout my days. My current career pursuit has me enrolled in a graduate program to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I was born and raised in San Diego, CA. I love music with something to it. I love life with something to it. I have made it one of my purposes in this life to integrate both of these things that I love. This blog and my own songwriting has given me the platforms to do that very thing. Thank you for reading.
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