It’s Hard to be Here

raise hand

I am in a classroom with ten other students. The subject is economics and the topic of game theory is incredibly intriguing to me. My mind is overwhelmed with questions. As I look around at all of my peers, I start to hide in my shell. One question in particular is very personal and I don’t want to ask the professor in front of everyone. I don’t want to open my mouth because they will turn to look, laugh and call me out.






So, I stay quiet.


I lose interest. I become distracted. Economics becomes a topic I shun because my questions became unanswered and confused unknowns in my now convoluted mind.



I am one-on-one with a psychology professor.

We go over cognitive therapy and I am enthralled. And now, instead of hiding, I ask my curious and pertinent questions in this comfortable environment where I can be vulnerable. I remain passionate about the subject. And,


it becomes my career.

What is the difference between the classroom setting and the private, one-on-one setting?

Run Herd

Herd mentality. Have you ever screamed as you watch your sports team in a stadium? Now, would you scream at the top of your lungs till your voice became sore if everyone was quiet? Maybe. But, we all know you will be singled-out, judged and possibly laughed at.

My issues with the herd mentality are that without a leader it becomes an impulsive pursuit and, also, there is no true freedom of pure independence. Without independence, I will not have a voice inside my own head that I trust.

In the classroom, I become distracted by all of my peer’s unspoken judgements.

One-on-one, I remain undeterred and vulnerable in my learning and passion for my individual life.

Do I go off to the woods and live off the land then?

R-Camp alone

Wow. I would love that. It would be a dream to get away from the neurotic and unfulfilled human beings that manipulate, cheat and do not rely on consistent values, fact-based realities and congruent warmth to live thru their actions. To just leave the irrational and cold bullshit of everyday personalities. Power, lust and material goods sought day and night with no cap, nor max, nor satisfaction of any real need like being heard or focusing on a topic until completely understood.

Ok. So, live off the land far, far away?


Not yet. Maybe down the road as my desire grows to be close with Nature. But, I still have much to learn about independence. I need to learn the benefits of being completely focused among a heap of loud and threatening distractions. I need to learn how important it is to know and trust the voice inside my head as it becomes more rational and clear. I need to learn what it takes to have a heightened common sense, so that I will see how much more important it is to learn, stay focused and grow with passion versus deciding to follow the boisterous movements of the masses…knowing very well that their movements could be immoral and irrational.

I will not leave to live in nature until I can stand on my own two feet with an independent voice inside my focused and disciplined mind.

“The path you fake to play it down, the path it plays you. It’s bringing you father from the ground and farther from you. Please don’t let it tear you down.”

About Kevin Carlstead

I graduated as a hospitality and psychology student at University of Denver. I spent most of my teenage and young adult years in the hospitality industry. I am still searching for what industry suits my personality and talents so that I can feel more meaning throughout my days. My current career pursuit has me enrolled in a graduate program to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I was born and raised in San Diego, CA. I love music with something to it. I love life with something to it. I have made it one of my purposes in this life to integrate both of these things that I love. This blog and my own songwriting has given me the platforms to do that very thing. Thank you for reading.
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