There is the dry taste in my mouth trying to warn me that water needs to be close by.
There is the song that played an hour ago stuck in my head…but not the whole song, just one stanza circling over and over again as my annoyance obsesses over the obsessed.
There is my curious anticipations of tomorrow…now next week…now next year…now my whole life.
There is my emotions like a cold front sweeping in with dark, unwelcoming clouds that shiver the bone to my core as I realize that maybe I should have grabbed a coat instead of always thinking that it will be sunny when I walk outside.
Now I just want to turn on the tv. Now I just want to walk outside. Now I just want to talk to someone to calm me down. Now I just want someone to rock me back and forth until I feel comfortable again. Now I just want to scream!
That is not the choice I will make.
My happiness…is my responsibility. My survival is my responsibility. My character and my choices and my actions and my history are all of my responsibilities. I can distract and mask the experience of being alive. But, that contradicts why I am here.
I’m not living so that I can numb my swirling feelings or deny and hide from the thoughts reeling through my head. I am living so that I can fully embrace what is in front of me. Not the screen in front of me. Not the sci-fi world I pretend to be engulfed in through the controlling of this character in this video game. Not the dependence I place on another human being to make me happy…to make me feel something…to make me the person I want to be in my life.
I will feel these feelings…no matter how complex, scary, painful or intense they are. I will take responsibility to be the influencer of my mind. I will survive and find meaning in this world with the help of my family and friends but with only relying on myself to get me there when it’s all said and done.
I will feel this.
I will be independent.
I will practice to be calm amidst the wild.
I will relax among the discomfort.
And if my mind is so engulfed in fear, I will keep moving forward…I will keep surviving…I will not let those emotions influence the choices and actions of my priorities at hand until I find myself at a place to relax, think and find peace once again…alone in the depths of my mind.
Feelings come and go…choice remains in history forever. What life will I choose? Will I experience my thoughts? Will I feel this love? Will I feel this life? Will I feel it?