Ground EP Story

This EP tells the story of my life from 2009 to 2012. It begins the day fear and confusion slap my mind into a concussion of panic. It, then, progresses through this emotional circle to where I recently found a place for my feet to settle…ground.

The entirety of the EP is a personal exploration into myself through my emotions and my thoughts. I will be sharing each song’s individual story in order below, as well as the lyrics. The first 3 are the emotion portion of the album wrapping up at “Fear.” The last 4 dig deeper into my search for a stable mindset; a thought process which is untainted with bias and tunnel vision; an open mind to see my experience of life as real as it possibly can be.

CAGE

This song opens up the EP with my 1st panic attack. This is my exact story replicating the day anxiety hit and the months afterword. It reveals the 1st intense experience of emotions taking the wheel of my life.

Lyrics:

I’m sittin here playing one of my songs, and I, want her to sit and sing along but she wants to leave. Making me feel…

I feel so emotionally gone, so I, turn my thoughts off and make her think fucking wrong, once I, turn my thoughts on. I am lost.

I tell her life isn’t worth it to live, run out and launch into a wall, and make a hole evident, tears down my face as my love mimics it. And she says.

I love you, don’t even question it, what the fuck are you saying. You don’t want to live? Don’t be scaring me. She’s never seen tears bleed.

————————————————-

Anxiety creates a cage.

Am I just made up? …I got no..

I don’t have any love; as love is lost and dormant with my emotional demise

I’ve lost my love and I’m so blind; I have no one by my only side, ‘cause I’m aside of my mind

I just need this to go, away………

————————————–

I hear love screaming, it won’t be let out, panic attack just splurging as I puke demons out. I am sweating and shaking. And day to day

Now my thoughts are a little deceiving. But hell, I just gotta clearly deepen the reason. And I must believe-I will be ok. But….

Month after month. I cant stay in school, locked up in my brain, think this disease is cruel, quickly pop some pills to just stay cool. Slow down.

Valium is good but addiction is crazed, so I throw em to my friends to get these pills away, I’ll be alone today, so I can face this

————————————-

Anxiety as a cage, where I think I am made up. And I got no…

I don’t have any love, as love is lost and dormant with my, emotional demise

I lose my love and I’m so blind; I have no one by my only side, when I’m aside of my mind

I just need it to go…

to go away, to go away

 

VICTIM

I went to college with some tools to “control” my panics. I was feeling confident that they were over. However, with the confidence, I chased a girl down a hole of insecure and irrational love and emotions. My insecurities and untrained mind went wild leading to my 2nd round of panic attacks.

These panic attacks led me to realize that I needed to take a look at my emotions, thoughts, and choices in my life. With this, I broke up with my ex because I started to see who this girl really was and how I couldn’t grow with her lingering in my thoughts.

Yes, this song is about the girl, but it is as much about me as it is her (as we were the guilty of having the same irrational and unconscious routine). This song is as much about anyone who just follows a path blindly as it is about her and I. A victim to the social group, the belief system, and the conclusions that we establish well…so far deep that we don’t think hard enough about the choices we make anymore.

Lyrics:

(All wrong…I was)

Insecure a little bit,

didn’t leave you for the hell of it,

controlled so the safety elevated to the death of me

doesn’t everybody want to feel good

well now I’m not, think of that

not caring what they think I should

now I realize you.

(You blamed me for…everything)

You have the same control issues,

But admitting this makes you so confused

So insecure deep down, not willing to work this out

(Blame me, when it was us)

Are you a victim of it all?

Just a victim of it all

Beauty comes from within,

Ugly bleeding out the sides and the pores of your skin

I’m truly happy, not sad, that you’re gone, its what I needed in my life all along

I had leave to see

(and finally breathe,  discover me)

You are sick, want some help, no you don’t, you don’t care

You’re a victim scared, is there someone upstairs

Living life for your mind, you’re completely unaware, yea gimme that cold dark stare

(Here we go, what are you?)

Are you a victim of it all?

(life as it goes by fast, wake up, feel safe, follow rules, then crash)

Just a victim of it all

(get pulled from here to there, feelings and the world dragging you everywhere)

Cause I thought a relationship was mutual

And now I’m sitting here wondering, what I did wrong

Are you a victim of it all?

(life as it goes by fast, wake up, feel safe, follow rules, then crash)

Just a victim of it all

I don’t want her because she barely pays attention

She’ll never understand my person with no means of reflection

I’m giving up all I can, to help her sense a bit of direction

But I found that she can’t go deeper without reality as perception

Are you a victim of it all?

(life as it goes by fast, wake up, feel safe, follow rules, then crash)

Just a victim of it all

(get pulled from here to there, feelings and the world dragging you everywhere)

And now im sitting here waiting, for the right girl

Cause I guess you weren’t her

Are you a victim of it all?

(life as it goes by fast, wake up, feel safe, follow rules, then crash)

Just a victim of it all

All wrong

FEAR

This song wraps up the emotion portion of the EP. I started writing this one on a backpacking trip. I was alone in my tent trying to fall asleep. My mind was racing and I could not stop envisioning a bear clawing through the tiny sheet above me, grabbing me by my neck, and feeding me to her cubs. I was tossing and turning and trying to distract myself. Nothing was working and I started realizing what was needed here. I needed to indulge myself in this moment…see what is happening and what I am scared of.

In this practice, I realized that there was nothing happening at all and that it was quiet and calm outside……….it CLICKED. “This is what the present moment is.” I began to realize that fear, anticipation, and stress cut off our experience of the moment. Especially when emotions are irrational. So, this song is my definition of fear and the insight that we need to reason with our emotions.

Lyrics:

It’s been a long, impulsive road out, there

It’s really time that we reason with our fear

The time we waste, to lay this plan it’s…foiled

We miss the day, we’re scared and we think it’s normal…normal…to fear a day that

Has yet to come, when do we stop to discover…our issues here

So take my hand, I’ll walk you in the soil

So take, my, hand

Take, my, hand

Cause the fear that we knew

Has returned in our head

And the fear, we’ve been through

Is assuming this event

The fear, the fear

The time it takes, to lay a truth in soil

To think, to feel, we’re here, encased in a moment, moment, no time to see what

May or not, come to push us down and dormant, ‘cause the wind will always

Change, let’s drop our defenses down to boil

And, take, my, hand

Take, my, hand

If you want a clear picture in your head

Take, my, hand

If one emotion bleeds into the rest

Oh take, my, hand

Oh my hand

Oh my hand

Cause the fear that we knew

Has returned in our head

And the fear, we’ve been through

Is assuming this event

(x2)

The fear, the fear

(x2)

It’s been a long, impulsive road out, there

It’s really time that we reason with our fear

QUESTION

During a time when I was trying to be more honest with myself and when I kept seeing how my habit was to fake the “Kevin” I thought I was, I was looking for a song that portrayed this message.

Then, I realized that no one I knew has even admitted this, so why the hell would there be a song about it. I knew though that so many people fake who they are and hide away from that fact. I knew this song had to be written for me and for those out their who want to be real (but also not alone doing this).

So, I wrote one.

Lyrics:

I gotta question that’ll flow for miles.

-It’s a-

Stemming from the time I was a child.

A baby, learn by looking at—

Idols, mom and dad, and older ones.

-The ones that –

I would copy all my images from.

It’s crazy, not much thought of my—

Own mind, this is primitive man

-Do I-

Ever really notice that I copy a plan?

I’m sorry to my own peace of mind.

Act like I’m listening with a nod of my head

But the mind ain’t there, encompassed with my, with my (x2)

I gotta question that’ll flow for miles.

-It’s a-

Stemming from the time I was a child.

A baby, learn by looking at—

Film, shows, all the media man

-I saw the –

Peoples lives and I copied the plan

Well maybe, I got confused in my

Own mind, where’s an honest man?

-A man that-

Cares, then makes the choice to understand

His own faults and all others too (those contradictions)

I chase for image led by emo-tions.

Where’s the realness

with my, with my (x2)

Act like I’m listening with a nod of my head

But the mind ain’t there, encompassed with my, with my (x2)

MUSE

Muse is an instrumental. It represents the time and reflection that it took to reach these next two songs. Dictionary.com defines the verb “muse” as: to reflect, to ponder

Enjoy

WHO AM I

Question was just the start and the confidence builder to the next growth I tackled. I realized that I needed to dig deep into the grime of how I spend my time in my head and what that means to my character and integrity.

I spent months and months looking at my motivations behind my actions and finding out enough to be able to put them all into categories (which are found in the song). Being that this was too blunt for me to handle all at once though, I got pretty down about who I really was. So, thats where the song came in (which actually was a poem first…converted into a song). The song was a way to put that feeling into a real sound and, by finishing the lyrics, I could grow, change, and create my conscious path in looking at what I have been doing and where I can go in changing my path in life.

This progressive folk song is a poem. It is a story in itself and it helps me see who I am and want to be from the base I found within.

Lyrics:

There is no me, a ghost, and an act for these

People outside of my own head

There is no voice, no intent behind a choice

I find where I lay, the others have been

————————————————–

Anxious to please, yet I am lost in between

When I’m bored, I can’t find the door-within

I’m scared to be shunned, image bruised by someone

Beg for a perfect life of pleasure and fame

—————————————————–

But then, once I’ve built my cool, I’m just an ordinary fool

What will I have to share, to grow, to leave behind?

How do I change to being alive, growing in my own mind, a place to answer,

“Who am I?” a chance to see

————————————-

If you go my way, it’s in the center of the woods

A place to sit ourselves right down, knock off the hood

If you go my way, it’s through the mud in which you’ve stood

Dig into our mind, this time, grime is blind-ing us good

———————————————————————-

It’s time to find me, ‘cause I am changing

It’s time to find me; I’ve only found a piece

A new day, a new piece in me, who knew our lives were changing

This new day I say, it’s free, hiding away would drown this verity

———————————————————————————-

Acceptance, it’s so weak. Build up from the genuine feet, as one who knows

who they are, inside and out, humbly

I respect the pain inside, and the joy I used to bury and hide, they show the

door in which I‘ve used to expand my mind

——————————————————-

I will change, I’ll be alive, I’ll grow and I’ll step into my mind, this day I asked

“Who am I?” was the first time I truly saw,

Was the first time I truly saw me

GROUND

Ground is important…obviously, I named the EP after it. This was written when I realized that not many people are taking a conscious look at themselves or growing in many critical ways. That thought made me feel really lonely, for a long time. But, I didn’t want to stop. I was so happy now. Especially, when I looked at how far I had come since “Cage.”

This song is a letter. It is a letter to myself and anyone else who is in the same boat. It is saying that even if your path is different and people don’t value the person and the path you chose for your life, that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because you value it and are much happier following your integrity than swallowing your pride and faking a path to fit in. Be yourself.

Lyrics:

It’s hard to be here all alone

Does it scare you, being away from home?

No one to comfort, warm and close

Your path it differs, but ya fake like you don’t know

The time it takes to wash it down, the time it takes you

The path you fake to play it down, the path it plays you

It’s bringin you farther from the ground, and farther from you

Please don’t let it tear you down

The place, surrounding others knocks you down, far down

To the face, the one that washes you right out

Pick yourself up this time, lost between the lines, thin social stigma and honestly blind

Don’t beat your thoughts right out

Think about; don’t let your feelings order you

The time it takes to wash it down, the time it takes you

The path you fake to play it down, the path it plays you

It’s bringin you farther from the ground, and farther from you

Please don’t let it tear you down

Yea, I’ve been playing, an ordinary shy thoughtless boy

‘Cause of fear I thought I had to make sure you approved

Or else the earth would fall into the pits of hell

But now I’m learning that I have the right to my head

So, I’m shaping up these metaphoric winds in my mind

Gonna fly through these songs that I’m hearing in the sky

Gonna pick up my soul, gonna pick up my heart

Gonna wake up to my thoughts and say

Don’t tell me what, songs are in my head

I’ll find them myself, I’ll write them till I’m dead

I’m not scared to fail, my home is built to break

This grounded path ain’t paved, it’s heading my own way

The time it takes to wash it down, the time it takes you

The path you fake to play it down, the path it plays you

It’s bringin you farther from the ground, and farther from you

Please don’t let it tear you down

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR LISTENING. I LOVE LIFE AND I HAVE MUSIC AND THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET ALONG THE WAY TO THANK FOR THAT. I WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE AND AM EXCITED TO PUT OUT MY FIRST ALBUM IN THE NEAR FUTURE. 

-KEVIN CARLSTEAD

1 Response to Ground EP Story

  1. Pingback: Question – Single | satisfiedmusic

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